


Back and Forth

by izzbella91



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x3, Angst, Coda, Destiel if you squint - Freeform, Episode Tag, Family, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Episode: s12e03 The Foundry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 12:13:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8401255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izzbella91/pseuds/izzbella91
Summary: Coda for 12x3
Drabble about Dean coping after Mary leaves.





	

The door shuts – a clang and bang of finality – and then there is only silence, except the harsh inhales and exhales coming from Dean’s lips as he holds back sobs and the deafening sound of his heartbeat. The world seems to be tilting around him, and he is sliding…

Neither Dean nor Sam says a word. After a minute, Dean is aware of Sam shuffling off to his room. The moment is too heavy for even Sam to try to talk out. 

\-- 

Dean is sprawled on the kitchen floor, once again, beer bottles littered in a half moon around him and his fingers smoothing the bent edges of old photographs.

He remembers the smell of her – vanilla – and the softness of her hands. He remembers the sound of her voice. He remembers the content feeling low in his belly as she used to rock him back and forth and back and forth.

He rocks in a similar way, now, back and forth and back and forth.

He can feel the tears behind his eyes, but they won’t come, like when you are so exhausted you can’t sleep. This type of grief is too much for his body to respond to – he shuts down instead.

\--

Two weeks pass. No sign of Mary. And no sign of Cas. Why not Cas, too – just to further show him that everybody will always leave him in the end, that he is worthless, not good enough… 

He still has Sammy at least, and that will always be what is most important. Sam is here, and he is safe. It’s a mantra for him. The sounds of Sam – laughing at the TV, tapping at his keyboard, flipping through books in the library – keeps him grounded. He keeps the door to his bedroom open at night and is lulled to sleep by the soft snores a few doors down. Sam is here. Sam is safe.

\--

Finally, Cas calls. He says he’s with Mary. They’re on a hunt in Montana.

Dean knows he’s being ridiculous, but he can’t help but feel pangs of jealousy and betrayal.

Before Cas hangs up, he says, “I think your problem, Dean, is that you don’t see Mary as a person. You hold onto this vision of your mother, this vision you’ve had your whole life, but people are complex. And they aren’t perfect…” Cas pauses, waits futilely for Dean to respond. “She misses you.”

Dean grunts, looks down at the floor and then towards the ceiling, takes a breath. “Yeah, Cas. Thanks. Uh, take care of yourselves. Let us know if you need anything.”

Cas starts, “Dean, I –“ 

Dean hangs up before he can say anything else.

\--

It’s a rainy Thursday morning when Dean wakes up to the sound of the front door screeching open.

Mom. 

If he had been more alert, he wouldn’t have let himself hope.

Dean shoots out of bed, socks slipping on the floor in his mad dash to the living room, but he stops when he sees that it’s Cas coming down the bunker stairs.

He stops breathing. “Cas, where’s my mom? Is she okay?” 

His voice cracks from disuse and he clenches his fists, prepared for the worst.

Cas nods, “Hello, Dean. Mary is fine. She went on to another hunt in Nebraska. Your mother, she is a very fine hunter. I see where you get it from.”

Dean shakes his head and then just stares at Cas. How can Cas not get it? How can Cas not feel how much pain Dean is in? How could Cas casually hang out with the woman who abandoned him?

Cas’ voice temporarily halts the thoughts swimming in Dean’s head. “I kept her safe, Dean.” He looks down. “I know you are mad at her, but I also knew you’d want someone to check up on her. So I found her, and I kept her safe. She will come back to you, Dean. She just needs time.”

During his speech, Cas has stepped forward until he is right in front of Dean. “She loves you, Dean. She loves you.”

Dean stares into Cas’ eyes, “Then why’d she leave me, man? Why’d she have to leave again?” 

Suddenly, the tears that he’d been holding back for weeks come pouring out. He doesn’t feel like he’s even crying – his face just happened to have sprung a leak. He can’t stop it. He’s sobbing – the wet, painful kind of sobbing with labored, blubbering breaths and snot running down his nose. He tries to hold back the flood, but he can’t. All the pain and anger from the past few weeks comes out all at once.

Dean feels a pair of strong arms grasp him tightly, continue to hold him as he falls to the ground. As Dean cries, Cas rocks him. Back and forth. Back and forth.


End file.
